I was going to write about identity this week, but maybe I’ll revisit that another time. Every time I tried to write about identity, I kept thinking wait this isn’t really what I want to write about this week.. I thought that I could explain what I was thinking by talking about identity, but I think it’s better explained when talking about worth. Here we go.
A common problem that I had growing up was thinking whether or not I was worth it to somebody. This is also equivalent to thinking about how useful I was to a person. For example, I felt bad when I was not able to contribute to helping around the house. There were times where I wanted to help out, so I tried to. Then sometimes, I’d do it wrong, and thoughts of feeling completely worthless would creep in. Thoughts like why can’t I do anything right? Why am I here if I can’t be helpful? Why would anyone bother to care about me if I’m so useless?
This thought process didn’t happen all the time, but it happened whenever I disappointed somebody. By God’s grace, these thoughts didn’t escalate to something worse, but it still bothered me. Anything related to me regarding my personal opinion was hard to convey and stand be. I thought why would anyone want to hear me if I’m probably going to disappoint them anyways. I concluded that it’s easier for me to just act according to how someone else wants me to live rather than what I think might be better. However, this led to my worth being put into what other people thought of me. I started to place incredibly high standards for myself that I knew weren’t actually obtainable. When I didn’t reach it, I’d beat myself up over it and label myself as worthless. I put myself in a slump and didn’t know what to do..
Thankfully, God’s Word prevails over my own feelings of worthlessness. During these times, I continued to go to church and to study the Bible on my own. From these studies, it became very clear that God continued to love and care for mankind even though we are clearly not worth it.
A clear example of this is God’s faithfulness to the Israelites. God delivered the Israelites from slavery in Egypt and was going to take them to the Promised Land. While they were travelling there, they made their own god and started to worship it. God could have wiped them out, but He had mercy on them. God delivered them to the Promised Land even though they did not trust Him.
After God gave them the land, He gave them rules to follow and explicitly told them that if they live according to His commandments, then they will be blessed. If they disobey His commandments, then they will not be blessed. The land that they had was fruitful when they got there, and His commandments were clear. Despite knowing this, they blatantly disobeyed God and worshiped other idols.. From their disobedience, they were judged. God allowed the Philistines to attack the Israelites. It was during these times that the Israelites would turn to God and repent. God being gracious and merciful sent judges to conquer the Philistines and bring peace to the land. After this, the Israelites would live for God for a short period of time and return back to their wicked ways..This happened over and over again throughout the entire story of the Old Testament. Why God would continue to love His people and redeem them is beyond me, and I’m glad.
Knowing that God has proven Himself to be loving to other flawed people has given me hope that He would do the same for me too. He has shown that He cares for us so much to the point that instead of giving us what we deserve as worthless human beings, He gives us what we do not deserve as His own children. He graciously lavished His love on us and given us the privilege of being His heirs.Now, when I think about God’s love, I feel rather silly that I would think of myself as worthless. Nothing can take away God’s love for me, and living for Him is completely worth it..
So as a personal application, I need to stop thinking that I am worthless, because God made me and has purposed for me to live for Him. He gave me this life, and anything in my life can be used by Him for His glory. He has given me worth and empowered me to live for Him, so I should do that.